Signs You need to Grow up

There was a time when I wrote about things that matter. That time has passed. Below is a list of  a few things that have signaled to me lately that i need to grow up. I’m putting them in general terms, for the sake of other’s privacy and for relatability. Make no mistake though, this is entirely about my life. Let the self-absorption begin.

  • Your phone contacts list looks more like a list of hilarious/hideous/essentializing characteristics than a contact list. Who needs names when you’ve been scorned? First name “Dont Text” Last name: Thinks you’re nuts”
  • You have more liquor bottles than basic bread products
  • Last night you got blitzed. At one point, your friend turned to you and said, “You do know its only 8oclock, right?” To which you responded with a sensible, “I love you.”
  • You still use words like blitzed, and address all your friends as’ slut,’ thinking it’s a term of endearment
  • You think THIS was the best picture of the night:

Image

  • There’s a picture of a cutie on your phone, who has your Kesha sparkles all over his face.
  • You can’t remember his name, but it doesn’t matter bc he’s going into your phone as Cutie Drunk Goggles anyways
  • You say yes to absinthe for the sake of trying everything once.
  • You have/regularly wear Kesha sparkles
  • You have to shop in the little girls section for them.
  • “Die Young” is the most played on you’re playlist, even though you’re old.
  • You update your fb status at least once an hour, thinking “Hmm. How is my life funny right now?”
  • When u see Cutie Drunk Goggles in your phone, you think, “Yay i’m so awesome.” instead of shame, dread, or any of those other things grownups are supposed to feel.
  • You stretch out your words to show the truesssstttt of feelings aka emphasis.
  • You start 85% of your sentences with “OMG” or “I feel like…”
  • You assume every game is a drinking game until told otherwise.
  • You have to stop writing in your stupid blog bc your computer screen hurts your eyes and you think you might, actually, finally, puke.
  • Your friends still call you Ktard and Drunksten. You find this completely hilarious and acceptable.
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