I was gonna write something personal and riveting but–yeah, no I wasn’t. Here’s a list of winter-specific things that I like, dislike, and feel terribly neutral about.
- Most people stop trying to look good. True divas manage to sustain themselves even when its negative 52 out, but the rest of the world accepts a lower standard of ‘presentable’ in the name of red cheeks and puffy marshmellow coats.
- Text gloves. Walmart, 5 dollars. With them comes the ability to text all your friends all the time, and an increased risk of frostbite on the first three fingers of each hand (because technology has made us all magically ambidextrous).
- Ear muffs that double as headphones. I try to be supportive of this innovative, ever-practical invention that lets you keep your sound receptors warm while filling your brain with the latest JT single, but people with music muffs (ha!haha) just look douchetacular. The worst (or best, depending on how you look at it) is when people wear toques under their music muffs. They really just dont give a fuck. See #1.
- Snow banks at bus stops. This one really gets me goin–The whole pathway to the busstop has been beautifully plowed with taxpayer’s mula, only to be placed directly in front of where the bus pulls up. Maybe the city is trying to substitute for benches by giving people an icy seat to wait atop of? I dunno, every winter I continue to be baffled.
- People asking me if I have snow tires on my wheelchair. DO YOU WALK AROUND WITH SNOWSHOES? Shut up.
- Tripple-layered leggings. You think I’m wearing black leggings, but really I’m wearing gray leggings under blue jeggings covered by black leggings. Dead sexy.
- Snow globes. In case your life prohibits you from looking outside and seeing that God’s dandruff has once again graced our grounds.
- Advent Calendars.Both my mom and step mom have yet to realize that I’m 26(a little too old to be mailed a month of chocolate maybe?). Don’t tell them. DOUBLE THE CHOCOLATE.
- Fuzzy Socks. I don’t know why I’m even trying to pretend like this is a winter-only thing.
- Stylish hats with holes in them. My favourite winter hat makes me feel beautiful and winter-prepped, until I walk outside and the blustery blusterness seeps through the knitted holes. A perfect breeding place for sickness.
- Sexy Sickness Voice. That cold that only comes once a year, during the heart of winter, where you lose your voice just enough so that you sound less like The Nanny, but not quite so bad that you sound like a man.
That’s all she wrote.