You know that feeling when your solving Soduko and you’re like three squares away from figuring the whole thing out but you just can’t because, well, you’re dumb? That’s how I feel about people. My facebook page is a testament to me, in all forms–duckface-me, drunk-me, I’m-so-witty-me, self-deprecating me and you-only-hope-i’m-joking me.. I have no problem defining me. It’s Other People that give me grays.
I was talking to someone recently, someone who’s known me quite well at pretty crucial times in my super-important life. As risk of labeling/grouping we’re both thinker/feelers (sorryyyyyy). Within the confines of this simplistic categorization, he is more thinker, I am more feeler. He sees problems and solutions. I see vodka and tears.
The other day said friend and I got on the subject of connections with people, and he suggested, matter-of-factly, that you can never really know someone, not even those you love, and that levels of “fake” behavior vary among person and situation. I nodded, agreeing with this solid fact of life when he added that many will fake just to appease. I don’t know why, but my heart dropped. I’m pretty sure I had an emotional stroke–my cheeks drained and I just wanted to pee my pants and die–when he looked at me with slight shock.
“Oh no. Please don’t let that bother you.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m ok”
“Nope. Let’s talk about it, you look like you’re never gonna talk to anyone ever again.”
From this point on, he made his logic more Kristen-cry-proof, saying that if I did agree that he was right (which I admittedly did, but shamefully struggled with that), then the upside is that human connection becomes fully about us. Connection isn’t about others–since their feelings towards us are unreliable, connection becomes solely about how we feel, regardless of whether or not the other’s intentions are kind or positive or not. Excuse me while I insult every person who actually knows anything about anything, but this logic reminds me of the moral relief provided by nihilism. In fact, the first time I learned about nihilism I reacted similarly. After four days of reading all Nietzsche mixed with some semi-advanced Marxism (I had a test in critical theory that I took way too far) I went to aforementioned friend’s house and told him all about the cocktail of depressing philosophy I had learned. He recorded it on his phone to laugh at later.
In sum: How can human connection be about us when it is about connection? If we do connect for us and us only, then how is the connection maintained? Last I checked, people don’t stick around to be used for very long. What is the fine balance between selfish, and genuine connection? WHY DO I SUCK AT FINDING A MIDDLE-GROUND FOR THESE MORALITY CONFLICTS? Having 50 concurrent “learning disabilities” is a circumstantial cow.
Oh well, if nothing else I have my privileged white girl level of self absorption to fall back on.