The Trouble with Self Respect

Andrew has requested I blog about something we discussed this morning. Mind you,last week he also asked that I stop writing such “depresso” posts, and go back to writing “hilarity about nothing”. Insert comment about wanting his cake and eating it too here. Greedy diva.

In light of my recent online over-lemantations (and you thought Lamentations was just a Bible book), I’ll try to keep this quick and painless. To do this, I’m gonna rock another list, this time pertaining to Drew and I’s earlier convo.

  • Andrew calls, tells me I answer the phone with “anger voice” (???), then proceeds to express that he just wants to date/marry/be in love or whatever, but then sighs and says it’s never gonna happen.
  • I say some equivalent of an empathetic “life’s a bitch and then you die,” but then launch into one of my “but think about this systemically” speeches.
  • Andrew says “Dude, deep. Blog that shit out” and here we are.

I’m gonna take a stab in the dark and say that the part to be blogged is the part where I asked Andrew to think about what he’s asking of himself when he says he wants to marry/date/be in love. Besides the obvious issues of comparing himself to a circumstance, he’s asking himself to change his whole way of doing things in the dating world. To me, this is much deeper than a “Love yourself so others can love you,” issue. In my opinion, you can love yourself every which way, but if you do not have a root of stability, a basic support network, you’re pretty SOL. That’s right, I think the chicken came before the egg. And everytime someone says “Love yourself” or “Kristen, where’s your self respect?” a part of me dies. Because I believe I have self-respect. But I also have wants/needs. And I think that as a society, we’ve inverted the desire for self-respect and the want for love from others. I have a tough time fathoming a person loving themselves if others never have. And yet, we, as individuals, bare the brunt of the blame for not being loved even if we don’t know what said love would look like.

I’m writing this in a rush, because I’m supposed to be doing homework, so apologies if it’s goobledeedook. In a sad attempt at redemption, let me clarify two concepts:

  1. Self respect. Self respects looks different from person-to-person, and yet most people treat it like a one-size-fits-all idea. Personally, every day that I get out of bed is self-respect. It’s respecting who I am enough to not age myself through oversleeping. Everytime I don’t gorge on chocolate is self-respect because I like myself enough to avoid becoming a person who can hide candy in an extra chin. When I decide not to drink every last one of my can’t-deal feeling, eeyhooo, trying to respect myself here.For me, it’s about me loving me, not me not letting others treat me poorly. How others behave is not anyone’s problem but there’s, so why should I carry that load? Stop asking me where my self respect is.
  2. Chicken Before Egg: As Drew and I talked about, love has to be had before it is understood and received again. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like Andrew was of a stark and wandered through the woods his whole life, I’m talking romantic intimacy. It’s a viscous cycle, and if you’ve never had it, It’s hard to break into.

Anyway, I should go do something that is actually coherent and not filled with Bitter. Don’t worry, out of respect for the people of Facebook, I promise not to blog for at least a week.


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