How to Trick People Into Thinking You’re Not a Loser

If you’re a mildly good-looking, generally successful human being with good family and friends, stop reading this post, you don’t have to fool anyone.

For the rest of us, who spend our time binge-watching TV from 10 years ago and pretending not to like 50 Shades, here’s a list of other things you can do to cover up the fact that your life is a huge hole of Nothing Important. Because actually changing your circumstance is overrated. Most of these tools are ones I like to employ on first dates. By no stretch am I good at relationships, but I do get asked on second dates somehow.

1. Lie about your job.  Repeat after me: I love what I do. I’m just so passionate about it. All my coworkers are wonderful people.

2. Lie about your ambitions (and the fact that your favourite part of the day is Wine Time.) Like I said, I’m really passionate. In 10 years I hope to have my own practice and be changing social policy. Translation: In 10 years, I hope I’m still able to get out of bed in the morning, given the direction these eye-bags are headed in.

rainbowlielife

3.Only talk about the future, not the present. Nobody can debate your future, ‘because nobody’s there yet. The future is a big, snazzy question mark that you can make sound as cool as you like: “I think I’ll take a belly-dancing/zumba/poll-dancing course and maybe make a documentary on the development of Selfies.” Ok, so maybe it’s still apparent that you’ve got nothing going for you.

4. Ask them about themselves. Everyone likes to tell you about themselves, especially if can’t they stop thinking about your vagina. They’re usually just waiting for that moment to say, “Here’s why I’m worth your time.” So give it them, and receive them well.

If you ask them about their life passion, or their favourite colour and they squirm with discomfort or say something grandiose like, “I want to be the Prime Minister,” you should either marry them or run, because they are loser-in-disguise just like you–which either makes them your soulmate or a waste of time. It’s all relative.

5. Talk as little as possible. Once you’ve gotten over the heap of starter lies about your lifestyle and goals, you’ve bought yourself some silent time. This is when active listening and solid one-liners come in handy. “You like Pizza? Me too! Be the pepperoni on my cheese”. Wait, no.

6. Laugh at their jokes. Their horrible, awkward jokes. Because then they feel funny and chemistry is forged. And you show off those pearly whites of yours.

7. Lie about what you want from them: You seem nice! Let’s text. A simple way of either saying, “You’re way beneath me” or “I want your children” Life is confusion.

This post could alternatively be called, Faking your Way to Second Date, or Everybody Lies, or Who You Are Sucks, Lie Harder.

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