More Reasons to Have A Sex Party Including PwD

T minus 9 days til the the world ends–er uh, disabled people have a sex party. Never in my twenty some-odd years have I seen so much negativity around sex as I have when it pertains to PwD–and this party (and the coverage around it) is proof of that.

Due to all this shitty, sensationalist, off-the-mark coverage, I’ve written reasons why this party needs to happen. Because we need to take a step back and remember the facts.

Fact 1: Disabled People Are Either Hypersexualized or Infantalized. 

That’s it–as a PwD, you have no other option.People are either fascinated by the fact that you’re having sex, and hypersexualize you into oblivion as a result, or they can’t deal with your sexuality and the humanity that might demand recognition along with it. The coverage of the 2012 paralympics is a sad example of this oversexualization, discussing ideas such as small-stature as a reason for extreme horniness–  as if they are concrete, scientific and somehow acceptable.

The trouble here is that hypersexualization is dehumanizing. It makes PwD into a spectacle. Do I have to spell out why? When we fuck at the paralympics, you best believe its not because we’re hypersexual, or that we’ve lost our minds, or because of the testosterone “whizzing around in [our] bodies,” (what the actual fuck?!)…It’s because we’re human and fucking is more fun than sports.Fuck sports.

On the flip side, you’ve got the infantalization problem.I’ve blogged about this to infinity and back, so I’ll simply say this: I’m 27, and some people are still genuinely shocked to find out I’ve had sex. It breaks too many people’s brains to hear that I’m not only no longer virginly, but that I also enjoy sex (as many humans do…). People just can’t compute that a child like me would indulge in such atrocities.

So much lit has been writ on the infantalization epidemic, Google it if you want more than my personal struggles.

The fact that these two extremes are the only picks for PwD lend to the difficulty we have with seeing disabled people as people. The tendencies to objectify and/or ignore our sexuality has left us (PwD) excluded from proper sex parties, dance parties, high-school proms. We not only need this. Our humanity deserves this.

Fact 2: Exclusion is Real and Really Shitty.

I didn’t go to my high-school prom because it was inaccessible. I only went to one house party in all my 4 years. I am a prime person to pre-drink with, mostly because main events are almost never at accessible venues.

These circumstances would be a lot easier to swallow if they were infrequent. But inaccessibility is an everyday occurrence. This will be the first party to try and counter the commonplace inaccess to parties, party places, and sex and dating spaces.

Fact 3: We Deserve The Chance to Get Rejected

Someone asked me recently if I thought this party might be damaging to disabled people. They mentioned that it might efuck-yes-meme-generator-fuck-yesexacerbate current oppression and rejections, as the nature of social interactions (and sex) is competitive.My response to this was: “The worst thing we can do is protect disabled people from these sorts of things. Disabled people are people, and part of personhood is being hurt.” We have a right to the shitty side of human interaction, because we have a right to social interaction, period. Enter, sex party.

Fact 4: Comparatively, Our Sex Lives Suck

“Sexpert” and Clinical Psychologist Dr. Danielle Sheypuk tells us that PwD have much less sex than our ablie counterparts, even though able bodies report a low sexual satisfaction rate. She then states that even though she [a person with a disability] “is a catch, her Match.com guy is much more likely to date,” and find sexual partners.

Statistically, all signs point to sad when it comes to the sexual frequencies of PwD. We don’t get enough of it, not nearly enough, because most of the population is hesitant to even meet us for coffee. If you don’t believe me, watch Danielle’s talk in the link above.

It’s our time to change the stats. Our time to change the dehumanization. Our time to rock the boat a little. And ladies and folk, we need a sex party to help us do that.

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1 Comment

  1. I think this is at least the 3rd “why the disabled want / need a sex party” article that’s come out since Deliciously Disabled was officially announced.

    I don’t think I’ve seen any posts / articles from the able-bodied outlining why they also want / need to attend a party like this. I’m probably not the guy to write it, but I’m throwing the gauntlet out for anyone else to (& you’ve only got a week to do it before the event deadline).

    I did want to comment on Fact 3 above because it surprised me a bit.

    “We Deserve The Chance to Get Rejected”

    … but which “we” is Kristen referring to? Given the context, she seems to be implying that disabled attendees will get rejected.

    By my reckoning, there are at least 3 types of rejection which could happen at Deliciously Disabled.

    1) A disabled woman might reject a disabled man. Unfortunate, but I don’t see it as problematic. After all, able-bodied men get rejected by able-bodied women all the time and most of us just shrug it off and move on. At least with this scenario, the rejecter isn’t likely to be saying no because of the rejected’s disability and the rejected guy will understand that.

    2) An able-bodied woman might reject a disabled man. Since I’m not a woman, I can’t really relate to that. All I can say is that if the guys who show up look like Andrew and are as well-spoken and charming, I don’t think there will be a lot of rejection going on.

    3) A disabled woman might reject an able-bodied man. Now, this idea fascinates me. Part of women’s empowerment is predicated on being able to make choices and that includes saying no to men they aren’t interested in. It seems to me that disabled women in particular (i.e. women who have less choices due to various unnecessary barriers that restrict them) should feel empowered to say “no” to any guy, able-bodied or not. As far as expectations of the able-bodies guys go, they should be as respectful of women’s decisions, regardless of whether the woman has a disability (and there will be staff / volunteers on hand at DD to make sure that those attending follow the consent rules).

    And what about men rejecting women? Again, that’s an area I can’t relate to.

    So, what’s the upside of all the negativity above? Why would an abled / disabled person attend an event at which they might be serially rejected? As Kristen wrote above, it’s all about social interaction. We all want that and need that. As for the fear of rejection, that’s something that everyone needs to face — and get over. My not-so-original philosophy is that everyone has value and there’s someone for everyone in this life. But you can’t find your special someone(s) without taking chances and when you do, you’ll find that it’s well worth the risk.

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