I fell on the floor on purpose.

This morning I was having a typical whatever morning, barely awake but making tea, when my wheelchair decided to fuck right off and die. So there I am, fridge open, scoping out butter to put on my bagel, when my chair stops acknowledging me. It’s totally frozen, the screen or joystick isn’t reacting to anything–including being shut off. I look in the fridge for answers. I find brie cheese and salami and denial-eat for like 15 minutes, waiting for my chair to regain awareness. Somewhere in there, my bagel pops out of the toaster, just out of reach. The kettle goes off. Everything is happening around me and I’m eating salami. Finally, my denial starts drifting away from me–I’ve reset my wheelchair clock and checked the fault log and ate a whole fucking lot of cheese, and the situation is still the same, I cannot move.

“You can’t just break. No. This isn’t a thing.”

“Who makes chairs that just stop working?”

“Why aren’t I happier to be stuck in the fridge?”

After I say these things out loud to no one, I open my footrests and start psyching myself to make friends with the floor.  I picture the ways this could go down:

  1. Find footing and try to bridge the distance between my wheelchair and the counter. This way, I could stand for a bit at the counter and eat the bagel and maybe even find enough balance to spread loads of butter on it to make myself feel better. Then i could lean on the counter and walk until the counter ends. And then fall over.
  2. Buttslide like a six year-year-old (5? 4?) at recess. The distance from my chair to the floor would cause brusing, but it would be quick.
  3. Turn my body all the way around, like that stupid, moronic way they taught us in kid-physio, while all the other (non disabled)kids were learning cool things, like gymnastics and soccer. I recall it involved a lot of me pressing my face into my backrest saying, “This is sooo hard,” and “I can already do this, why are you making me do it again?” as if those two statements don’t totally contradict each other.

I know option three is the way to go. All that time away from peers, resulting in social isolation because of physio had been building up to this moment.I take my footrests right off, throw them in the fridge to make space for my wiggling worm body. I turn my hips, slowly, heaven forbid I fucking scare myself by moving too suddenly. And then I start to just fall to the floor. Except my body doesn’t just allow for shit like that to happen, so my legs start spasming, they’re fighting gravity, they’re twisting around each other, trying to keep my upright. They know that beyond a certain point, there is no getting back up. I talk to them. I really hope other people talk to their body sometimes. “Come on feet, if you can’t help me, you gotta let me go.” They spasm anyway, but I drop my hips to the floor and allow my legs to flop to the side. I feel good about this for half a second, until metal from my chair digs into my side and puts everything in spasms. My hand is wrapped tightly around the side of my chair, holding my up. I  consciously try to let go, and fall quickly onto my back. It’s weirdly comforting to realize step one is over. I made it onto the floor.

I start grabbing at the drawer handles around my kitchen and pull myself–on my back, like a slippery bug– to the living room. It’s easy, and I start to think  I’m amazing. Just scootin’ along. In the kitchen. On a Thursday morning.

And then I get to my bastard rug and my vibe is wrecked. I turn over and start dragging myself. For some reason my shoulders are burning and I’ve only been pulling myself along for like, once. I stop and take a nap. I’m not sure how long I’m there, but it is long enough to notice that my carpet is full of winter salt and purple hair. Basically, I’m a dirtbag.

I’m thinking about how it’s great that my hair stays purple even after it falls out(purple is immortal). And then I remember that I’m on the floor. Still. I crawl like a child who can’t actually crawl but can’t give up either, for like a zillion more years. Finally I get to my desk, where my landline from the nineties awaits. I knock it of the dest and naturally, it hits me in the fucking face. I’m a tad angry at the phone for not empathizing with all I’ve been through. And then I call for help.

 

 

 

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2 Comments

    • Hi John, Not much “employing of strategies” here. I see what you mean, but I find that when I am made to feel vulnerable without choice, the pride and “bright side” come easily when I am able to figure my way out of it. Being reminded of resourcefulness can be a little renewing

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